Steve Andreas – Responding to Criticism (1988)

On the other hand, some people (perhaps 20%?) respond. to You can simply reject criticism. They can protect themselves against any negative feelings. File Size: 259 Mb

Steve Andreas – Responding to Criticism (1988)

NLP’s fundamental assumption is that “There is no such thing as failure, only feedback.” That’s a nice thought, and it points in a very useful direction. However, for a majority of people it’s just a cute sentence that doesn’t automatically change their experience or response. About 70% of people respond. to criticism with immediate over¬whelming bad feelings. They try to make amends. to You can help them get out of their emotional hole by rationalizing, trying and trying. to Access a healthy state by trying to Be objective, etc. Since they are already in a bad place, most of these efforts don’t work. They don’t usually make use of the feedback information in criticism because they are primarily trying to get back to a better state. If they do make use of this information, it’s usually much later.
On the other hand, some people (perhaps 20%?) respond. to You can simply reject criticism. They not only protect themselves from negative feelings but also keep them from considering whether the criticism is valid and useful feedback.
A third group (less that 10%) can also listen to criticism without imme¬diately feeling bad. They can also consider whether the criticism is useful and then use that feedback to their advantage. to Change their behavior in the future.
Of course these three groups aren’t rigid categories. There are likely to be examples of each of these responses in your life depending on your mind state, the context, criticizer, frame, etc. Many of us have bad days when we react in unpleasing ways. to The most innocent comment. Most of us also have times when we’re in such a good state that no matter how harshly we’re criticized we can process it simply as interesting information.
We became interested in the internal structure of the human body several years ago. “experts” Good response to criticism to It is so easy. We have modelled a variety of people who are very skilled at responding to emails. to You can use criticism to your advantage. There are many variations. While there are some slight differences, they all follow the same internal process. to others.

Example
(The transcript below is taken from a videotape. Steve demon¬strating how to Carl was a participant in our January 1987 Practitioner Certification Trainings. He had already installed this strategy. Videotapes of the demonstration and discussion are available.

Steve: We are going to Do two things while I demonstrate it. One, I am going to Demonstrate the installation of the strategy as well as the various forks. Another thing I’m going to do to You can use a dissociated state to sneakily install a strategy. That is what you are doing. to Carl, it’s a bit of a journey for you. You aren’t very hip on dissociation.
Carl: Um, no, I like doing dissociation.

Download immediately Steve Andreas – Responding to Criticism (1988)

Steve: Could you do that? (Umhm.) OK. Great. What do you want? to Do you want to see Carl in a situation where someone could give him feedback that could be considered criticism? It is okay to see it. (Carl leans back. Here you are! That’s better. Good. He can be seen as far as you like. Plexiglas can be placed here. (Carl smiles and nods. Oh, you like that one, don’t you? OK, good. Okay, great. to Stay in this state of dissociation. You are what you do to Let him do this. You are now just going to to You are an observer. to You can always contact him if you have any questions. You can then let me know what you think and we can make arrangements. to Make it right. (OK.)

OK, great. Now you’re just going. to Watch this. Another way to frame this is that we are simply going. to You can try it out right now, right here. to You can continue to install it until it is finished. It is completely OK here. to Do anything to You can find him here. This is a little scam. However, it’s a useful scam that can be used by people who are very cautious. “Nnnehh, don’t meddle with my brain,” Or something like that. In one sense it’s true that it will not be installed until and unless any ecological concerns have been dealt with. This is a part of the truth. However, when you are seeing yourself out here going through it, you are also learning by self—metaphor inside. This is your you. to Learn a new approach to responding to criticism, because I guess you are not too happy with the one you’ve got right now. Is that correct?
Carl: (shaking his head) Jose, it’s no way. I don’t like it.
Steve: OK, good. You can see him there and then in a split second someone else will be there. to Say something that could be considered criticism. He is going on about to It is something very, very important. He is going to You can dissociate yourself form the criticism. (OK.) to watch him—(Carl: Dissociate, while I am dissociated.) Right. (Oh, OK.)
Steve: It is sort of like the phobia procedure, where you have a three—place dissociation, and the function is the same. It is possible for someone to go. to Say something to Carl. It’s possible to make it up. to him. That Carl is over there. to This should be kept away (OK.) until he is given a chance. to It needs to be evaluated thoroughly. There are two ways he could do it. He can hear the words and imagine them printed out in space at arm’s length. Or he can just listen. to They are not far away. (OK.)
You can see that he can do this in many different ways. As he listens to the criticism, you can just watch. It is a form of criticism. He is going to to keep that sort of at arm’s length. He is going to Keep it away from you. He is going. to Then, take a picture of the criticism, or a movie if you prefer. Now he is going. to Dissociate from criticism to make it a representation. He is then going to to This movie can be compared to one that contains all the information that he has on the same subject. That’s it? (Yeah.) Okay. “Well, does that make sense?” Can he make sense of it? Watch him do this and can you get a sense of what he is trying to understand? Is it possible that someone could say that about him?
Carl: It makes sense.
Okay, that makes sense. This is where I want you to be. to Watch him choose the response he desires to Make to That information. Because if it makes sense, that means it is good information that he didn’t have before, right? (Yeah.) So, he could say, “Thank you,” Oder “Boy, I’m glad you brought that to my attention. I’ll see what I can do about that.” Or anything else.
Carl: Already he doesn’t feel like shit inside. I mean—(laughter). That’s a good plan.
Carl: It feels so much better.
Okay. It’s going to work. to He will find it easier to do this now to make good use of whatever information is there because he doesn’t feel like shit inside, right?
Carl: Right! Right. It’s a lot easier for him to It is important to be objective.
Exactly. That’s exactly what it is. “objective” It is, by and large. “Objective” This means that you are not connected to him. So, watch him. to As he considers the appropriate response, you can see him going through it. to This is how he sees the future. What he might do differently. to Follow the steps or use whatever method is most appropriate to provide a helpful response to This information has just been provided to him. . . . Ok, now he is done with the decision making process. Now let him do it if necessary to Do it now and you will be able to respond to this. Somebody criticized him, right? It would be great if there was a proper response. to This person is, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention,” Oder “Boy, I screwed up,” or¬
Carl: Yeah! That’s exactly what he did. He thanked the person!
That’s a new one, huh? Instead of punching the guy out.
Carl: Yeah. He has never thanked him in the past. In the past it wasn’t so much anger towards the person, it was just anger towards himself (OK, all right), and he doesn’t have to He can’t be angry at him anymore. He can learn from it.
Great. Once he’s finished that interaction, I want to thank him. to Watch him take his time to future—pace doing something different in the future. So he has made some decisions about what he missed, or he didn’t notice, or he was careless, or whatever it was. (Right.)
How can he future—pace a new behavior? He may have to First, decide on a new behaviour. How is he going? to do differently in the future, as you watch him future—pace that—so he goes through the decision when and where does he want to be different and how specifically. You may quickly go through old answers or simply use the “New Behavior Gener¬ator,” Whatever. Okay. Did he make that change? (Yeah.) OK.
Carl: Really, yeah. He doesn’t feel the tension inside. He is thankful that the whole situation happened, as he is still learning.
Are you noticing something a bit different from your previous experiences?
Carl: That has never happened in Carl’s life. Never!
It looks like it, doesn’t it? (laughter). It almost looks like he saw an angel descend from the sky.
Carl: It is best, you know, and the context is with family, and—he just has not had an easy time with family before, but this is just—I mean, he is actually smiling.
OK. Yes. to Run through a completely different scenario. So again you see him out here and nobody’s around yet. (OK.) And this time, somebody’s going to You can either make a vague criticism or come up with a suggestion. “You skunk,” Oder “You turkey,” Or something similar, so that he has to actually pause and gather information—because he hears “You turkey” and he makes a picture of a turkey and he makes a picture of himself and they don’t match, right? (laughter). to Have to Find out more information about “Well, can you tell me more? How, specifically, am I a turkey?” or anything, until he has the information. “What is this person really commenting on?”
Carl: “What are they trying to tell him?”
“What are they trying to tell him?” And he can do this in a fairly polite, neutral way because he is just¬
Carl: He can dissociate.
Dissociate. And he only wants to You have the information. Once he has enough information, he can then make a video of the person concerned. . . . Is it a match?
Carl: Once they’ve told him?
Is there a match after they have provided him with some details? . . A little?
Carl: Yeah. It was more of an amusing thing than anything else. (OK.) But he probably would not have known that if he hadn’t asked the questions. “How specifically am I a turkey? (laughter) In the past he probably wouldn’t have questioned it. He would have just thought, “Yeah, I’m a turkey.” You can choose to do either that or “Screw you, you’re a turkey, too.”
Right. Okay. to Make to This person. You might have done it before. Is there any other way he can do it in the future? to How can you be different? Is there something useful? And sometimes, if it is just a playful thing, it may be just kind of banter back and forth and doesn’t matter, and there is not really any impetus to Change your behaviour. . . .
Okay, now I want to talk to you to It is worth going over it again. This time some real weirdo comes up just out of the blue on the street and makes some weird comment that you can’t make head nor tail out of. (OK.) Again he asks. “Well, can you say more about this?” Or, “How specifically?” Or something like that. And he just gets “word salad” You see, this is a schizophrenic that just got out of the hospital. And when you make a movie of what his pictures are, and what you can remember of what just happened, it just doesn’t match at all. (Right.) (Right.) “Thanks, but no thanks,” Oder “Excuse me,” You do something similar. You put forth a concerted effort to find out what the person means, and if there is any real information in this—or is this just an insult that comes out of their own internal space, in which case you can safely dismiss it, becaUse you don’t have any— (Carl: It’s not worth it.) It’s not worth it, because it doesn’t have information that you want to use to You can change your behavior to improve your future.
Carl: No, you aren’t going to It is a great opportunity to learn.
Right. Okay, now I’m watching Carl go through all of that.
This is what it feels like to be in control. Right? (Real good.) It looks great. (Looks nice.) Is there a problem with any of this? Is there anything you’d like to see in that? to If you have any questions, adjust in any way. . . .

Download immediately Steve Andreas – Responding to Criticism (1988)

Carl: The only thing is that I just—I want this to happen. I want to Be there. I don’t want to Dissociate! (laughter)
This is the next step. It looks great, doesn’t it? (No problems.) OK, great.
OK, now slowly reach out to beckon to The one that isn’t there (Steve Demonstrates reaching out with his arms to bring them towards his chest. to Make him an integral part of your family. (Carl grabs the other Carl and brings him back in. As he does this, there are a lot of nonverbal shifts—deeper breathing, color changes, etc.—that indicate a powerful integration with a lot of feeling.) . . . Give it a minute. to All that you can. . . . You can just hang around there for a while. . . . (Carl wipes away his tears. This is a biggie for you, isn’t it? (Carl nods.) Thank you for coming up to me. That’s good. . . . It’s okay to take a bit of time. to Give it a rest and allow everything to settle down. Take as long as you like. I am going to Go through things with the group, you just hang out there.
Okay, have you got any questions? If you wish, you can have a look at this outline sheet. OK.
Dee: Well, either I missed it or something, but you didn’t have him do one, that I saw, where somebody that he really cared about, respected, admired, and he was really close toThe spokesman said something totally tacky and tasteless. to him.
Make sure you have a small group with you when you are together. (laughter)
Dee: Okay. I mean, it’s fine if some clown comes up to You, you go (she scoffs). “Who cares?” It isn’t always easy, however, if someone you care about does this. to take.
It’s different. Now he actually picked somebody in his own family—
Carl: That’s what I started out with.
He started off with something like this.
Carl: Because, you know, as far as I am concerned, that is the hardest—was the hardest for me, and I didn’t get angry at the person who gave it to me. I was furious at myself for not being in a position to do so. to Respond to It in the way that I want it to be to. And, as far as my own family goes, I know that they love me in the first place, and in their eyes it’s constructive. It’s just that the way I was receiving it, you know. I would often second-guess what I was doing, then I’d just do it. “Yeah, I’m this rotten person.” And I was certain that they had good intentions; I just responded accordingly to it. And being able to dissociate and watch me dissociate¬
Dee: OK. But would you have felt the same way if what they said—like you said “Oh, yeah, I can see that that’s valid.” It could be that you didn’t believe it. It may have been true for them, and it might be true for you. to You know that this is true. Would you feel the same?
Carl: I saw it as that. Yes. I am protected. In the past, it was coming straight into me. (Carl gestures toward his mid—chest.) But to Be able to You can see the picture they show me and you will understand that dissociation is similar to the fast phobia remedy. to experience something, and be apart from it, so you don’t have to It can be a cause for concern and a reason to feel bad about yourself. It’s physiological. That’s right. It’s possible to say anything. to You can send it to me right now, if necessary, and I will test it.
Dee: Well, I don’t have anything mean to Please say to you.
This lesson has been taught many times before, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen you do it. (Carl smiles up. This is called testing. This is testing.
Dee: He was so touching. He touched my heart.
If there is a particular situation, Dee, that is the one that always gets you or something like that, I recommend that you don’t use that as the first thing to You can go through it. Because when you’re first learning to drive, you don’t get in a car and go straight to Le Mans or Daytona Beach or something like that—you learn, hopefully, on a dirt track or a football field or something like that. You can use this with any type of criticism that is most difficult for you. to take, whether it’s a boss or a spouse or a child, or whoever. You can use it after you’ve mastered the steps. If you don’t, the whole thing might fall apart. It is worth testing. Your comment was intended in my opinion. “Well, you know, this may work on some things, but how about those real tough ones?” Do it on the difficult ones. It will work on that if you really install the system, because the strategy—just like the fast phobia cure—establishes that dissociation so that you can watch it all out there. This installation method allows you to fix any mistakes that are made.
Carl: It is protected.
You are safe. You can simply watch the movie, then you can back it up and say. “OK” and you make some adjustment, and then you run it forward again, so that—
Carl: You can control everything.

Follow—up Interview
It’s been around two weeks. Tell the people out there.
Carl: After the criticism strategy was implemented, there were a few.
people here would—out of the clear blue sky—just walk up to I would be called a jerk by them, and they would laugh because they were only trying. to test it, but¬—
So that wasn’t a very good test, right?
Carl: The real world is exactly where you need it, no to You must do it. And in my job, I never realized this before, but I go into people’s homes, and I remove equipment that my company has installed there. When I take it out, it leaves holes in the walls and everywhere. We were not legally responsible. They yell at me, and I am the one they shout at. That would disturb me unconsciously was something I didn’t realize before. But when it would happen in the last two weeks, I would automatically take a step back (Carl’s body moves back slightly) and I am doing it right now because I am remembering it. It would start to happen when I was conscious of it. Then, I would notice it and decide if it was worth it. The more it happened, the quicker it got. The people I work alongside, wired it in great for me. It was almost like reframing. It was almost like this: “Keep it up, man! This is great for me,”
The more, the better. (Yeah.) This is how it works. The more you add to a system like this, the better it will work. to Run, and it becomes more automatic. Now, you said consciously you’d take a step back. It was that you conscious¬ly noticed, right? (Right.) It wasn’t that you would consciously think about doing it, right?
Carl: No, no, no, no. It was a natural thing. A couple of times during driving—I do a lot of driving—I would cut somebody off and it would work real well there, too. (laughter). Especially because I used to always go. “Oh, I am a terrible driver,” and then if it was warranted, I’d say, “Yeah, well, next time I have to do a little bit better. “
Good. I was a little worried there for a moment that I’d turned you into a lousy driver.
Carl: Yesterday was my best test. I was very happy with my haircut. It looked great, so I went home. to My parents. I don’t live there, but I just went by to These are the ones I am referring to. And I said, “I got my hair cut, Mom.” She looked at me, and then she went. “What about the back?” It’s not often that I can do it all the way, so I am back here. She was serious, as you can see. “What about the back?” Now, take a step back. “Is this warranted?” “No.” It was powerful. It was really powerful. to be with her—the family scene—and for me not to It was completely unplanned and very powerful. I’m a success.
OK. Thanks a lot.
Carl: I’m very grateful.
(We now have follow—up 15 years after this session; Carl still responds well to He is a critic, and he has also taught this process to His children.

Revision of the Process
    1. The strategy can be used in a state that is not connected. “Ann. see yourself out there in front of you. That Ann is about to learn a new way to respond to criticism.” Do what you want to Do to Keep the dissociation.
“You can see Ann as far away as you want to, or in black and white, and you can put up a plexiglass barrier in front of you if that helps you stay here as an observer.”
Use pronouns and place words as much as possible, such a “her, out there,” to Maintain distance and separation. Be sure to Pay attention to the nonverbals that can indicate dissociation. Carl noticed that he could see himself when he first arrived. His shoulders and head started to return, which was a sign that he was becoming more fully dissociated. It is important to ensure that your client appears different when she’s dissociated from when she is associated.
Only a few people will prefer this. to use auditory dissociation—hearing them¬selves on a tape recorder at another location in space—or very rarely even kinesthetic dissociation—feeling themselves with their fingertips at another location in space. You can also use the “as if” frame or vague language for people who don’t consciously visualize: “Pretend that you can see yourself over there.” “Get a sense that you are behind a plexiglass shield.”
2. Separate from the criticism “That Ann over there is about to be criticized. Watch and listen as she immediately dissociates from the criticism.” There are several ways to make her happy. to Do this. This is the way to go for Ann. to She can’t help but be criticized. Her other option is to be criticized. to print the words of the criticism out in space at about arm’s length, or she can step out of her body and see herself receiving the criticism. If simple dissociation alone isn’t enough to If you keep Ann in your sight, and are resourceful, then consider other submodality shifting. Ann can make the dissociated image of being criticised smaller, farther away from her, transparent, dimmer, and any other submodality shift that adequately diminishes her response. The dissociation prevents the immediate bad feel¬ings that so many people experience, and it also provides the objective viewpoint necessary for the next step.
3. Create a dissociated representation about the criticism’s content. “Watch Ann as she makes a movie of what the criticizer is saying.” Ann can shrink this representation to be closer for her. to Keep your mind open to new possibilities. People can take great, bright, close-up pictures of themselves. “awful” thing they did, that it’s very difficult for them to Maintain a resource state. It can be moved far enough away or whatever so she is able to see clearly and still feel comfortable.
Before you can critique criticism, however, you will need to have to It is important to understand it. What does that person mean? What does it mean when someone says? “You’re twenty minutes late; now we’ll either have to rush or be late to the movie,” You can easily create a fairly detailed internal representation of this information in any major representational system.
But, sometimes criticisms are too vague to You must understand. When someone speaks, “You’re a skunk,” Oder “You’re inconsiderate,” Ann will be to Get more details in order to make an informed decision to Know exactly what the criticizer means. It is always useful to know what the criticizer means before you ask for more information. to Pace the criticizer in a certain way “I’m concerned that you think I’m a skunk,” “I appreciate your honesty in telling me that,” “I’m sorry that I upset you,” etc. You can also ask: “What specifically did I do that was inconsiderate?”
“Watch that Ann continue to gather information until she can make a clear and detailed representation of the criticism in all major representa¬tional systems.”
4. Analyse the criticism and collect information as needed. “Watch Ann as she compares her representation of the criticism with all other information she has about the situation, in order to find out if they match or mismatch.” This is the simplest and easiest way to do it. to This is what you should do to Ann could rerun some of her memories of the event and then compare them with the movie of the critic. You can also have Ann run the movie from different perspectives, such as the criticizer, onlooker or another person. She may benefit from the comments of other observers to help determine whether or not criticism is valid and useful.
She may need to seek help if there is a mismatch in the criticism and memory. to Back up to Step 2: Get more information on the criticism. She may not have understood the criticism she received. “shouting” “ranting,” He meant that her voice volume and pitch had increased by 10%. This is something he is extremely sensitive to. to Because they have been abused in the past.
If there is still a complete mismatch after repeated information—gath¬ering, it may be time for her to You can conclude that she is simply not agreeing. The criticizer could be hallucinating, or in some way internally generating an experience. His comments aren’t really about her, but about himself, his past history, etc. Of course it’s also possible that she may have amnesia for what he’s talking about, or that her perspective is so different that she hasn’t yet found a way to Understanding the criticizer is key. It may not be worth it depending on the circumstances. to Continue to Understanding is possible by working towards it.
Usually there will be at least some match between that Ann’s repre¬sentation and the critizer’s. When this is true, she can acknowledge the parts that match, and ask for more information about the parts that she doesn’t yet understand.
If the two representations match, it is equivalent to It is said that to her best information—and the more she has, the better!—the criticism is accurate feedback information that is useful for her to Learn more.
5. Select a response. “Watch Ann as she decides what she wants to do.” Her response has been her only one. to the criticizer has been pacing and information—gathering. It is now time for a response, even if it’s only an all—purpose response, such as, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention; I’ll have to give this some serious thought.” Ann’s response will depend on who she is as a person—her outcomes, criteria, values—as well as the context and the criticism itself. She may wish to to Offer an apology or some type of restitution to compensate for what she’s done. If her intention was to A simple, but effective way to irritate the critic is to simply, “You got my message” It may be appropriate. You can reply simply if there’s a complete mismatch “That’s certainly not the way I remember it.” If his view of her behavior is possible, she can tell him. “That certainly isn’t the message I meant to convey, but I can see how you could understand it that way. What I intended to do was Y,” Clarify the misunderstanding.
“Observe Ann as she carries out her chosen response.”
  6. You can change your future behavior. “Ask the Ann out there, ‘Do you want to use the information you got from this criticism to act differently in the future?’ “ If so, watch as Ann selects the new behavior(s), and future—paces the new behavior(s). In step five, you watched Ann respond to the criticizer in the “present.” This step will allow Ann to decide if she wants. to Adjust her behavior to suit your needs to You may get a different reaction from the criticizer in the future. If she wants, to Be different in the future, now’s the time to do it to select or create new behaviors and future—pace them into the appropriate contexts. If she doesn’t have time at the moment, she can take a minute to carefull