Stephen Gilligan – The Problem is The Solution

Stephen Gilligan – The Problem is The Solution

I. Introduction

In the movie “Pleasantville”, two adolescent siblings from the 1990’s find themselves transported into a 1950’s black and white TV sitcom landscape based on the old show “Father Knows Best”. While everything looks perfect from the outside, it is not. is There is no depth, mystery and color in this world. All people live in an enclosed space “pleasant trance” A lack of lifeliness and a kind of mindlessness, “brave new world”. The Two “visitors” Instigate a series events that lead to awakenings in everyone, including yourself. A person awakens when they connect with an undeveloped or hidden part of themselves. For a teenage athlete, it happens via love and romance; for the kids’ “mother”It comes from her discovering her sensuality; it also comes from the father’s recognition of his longings. For the girl it comes by reading classics. And for the boy it comes through his fierceness. In each case, the experience and expression of undeveloped parts of one’s self transforms the person into living “color”. They, along with others, must then deal with the multitude of responses that result from this awakening.

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Pleasantville is All around us. It keeps us in bed through false smiles. violent threats. unspoken fears. disembodied thinking. numbness. Once, a corporate woman was able to write in a poetry workshop. (Whyte, 1994, 31).

“Ten years ago…..
I turned my head for a second
And it became my life.”

All of us have experienced those ten.-Year “gaps” in our lives, where we thought we were present but then, in hindsight, realized we weren’t.

The It is impossible to continue damming the flow of life forever. The river eventually bursts, bringing with itself a lot of memories, dreams and reflections. It can be frightening, as fear can lead to exile. is If we allow these currents overflow and through us, we may be overwhelmed or even die. New defenses arise–more dissociation, more compulsive behaviors, more “playing dead”, more intellectualization, more violence against self and others—all desperate attempts to regain control and expel the “negative otherness” That is what presses on us. At some point, it becomes clear that we’re losing the battle—we’re dealing with a presence stronger than our ego, and our vaunted defenses can no longer keep separate from it. Desperation may lead to us seeking out therapy in an effort to strengthen our ego, and its defenses.

When a client visits us, how we regard the disturbances in their lives—the experiences and events that are throwing them into “organized chaos” – makes a great deal of difference. The Traditional view is These are the things we should try to help clients with. “pathological” They are exposed to forces that could endanger their well-being. This applies to the “problem”You can also use it as “enemy” This should be stopped by any means necessary. Milton Erickson (1980a; 1980b) pioneered an entirely different approach, one based on accepting and working with a person’s “problems” They could be unique, and under the right circumstances, can lead to new learning and growth. One young secretary believed her big gap in her teeth made it ugly and unattractive. Erickson taught her how to spray water through her gapped teeth to get to a distant target. Erickson then instructed her to wait at the office water cooler until she was able to hit a distant target. “ambush” A young man, to whom she was attracted, with a squirt water. They were happy together ever after.

The Over the past two decades, the legacy of Milton Erickson was expanded and deepened in many different ways. My work has moved away from a mainstream Ericksonian focus (see Gilligan, 1987) to develop a neo-Ericksonian approach that I call myself-Relations psychotherapy (see Gilligan, 1997). Like Erickson’s work, self-Relations emphasizes the positive side of symptoms and problems. It recognizes the importance of addressing such disturbances. “normal order” As evidence, “something is waking up” in the lives of individuals or communities. These disturbances are twice as serious.-These are edged crises. They can be (often overlooked) opportunities for significant growth. Most of us, for example, can recall negative events—a death, divorce, illness, or addiction—that led to significant positive change in our lives. On the other side, such disturbances can very destructive—we can get lost in depression, acting out, or other problematic behaviors. Self-Relationships suggest that the difference is not so obvious is In whether a disturbance may be “sponsored” By a skilled human presence.

The Principle and the processes of sponsorship are the cornerstones of self-relations. The word “sponsorship” Latin spons means “Spons”, and it comes from “to pledge solemnly”. Sponsorship is a great idea. is a vow to help a person (including one’s self) use each and every event and experience to awaken to the goodness and gifts of the self, the world, and the connections between the two. Self-relations suggests that experiences that come into a person’s life are not yet fully human; they have no human value until a person is Can be “sponsor them”. Sponsorship can help you realize problematic behaviors and experiences as resources or gifts. What was once viewed as a problem can now be seen and experienced in this way. is As a recognized “solution”.

The You can find the motto for therapeutic sponsoring on the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor.

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“Give me your tired, your poor,

The huddled masses long to be free from all the constraints.

The Your vile refuse is a waste of your teeming shores.

These, homeless, send them tempest-Tost me.

I lift my lamp by the golden door.”

Emma Lazarus, 1849-1887

In self-This motto refers not only to people, but also to their experiences and behaviors. Fred, an academic, saw me as he called it. “low-grade, long-time depression.” One session he complained of feeling unwell. “a sexual pervert.” Fred downloaded pornography online for as long as 3 hours per day, despite taking a year off to write and stay home with his son. He said that this was partly due to his fear of being exposed. “caught” He would not be able to use his credit card. Instead, he would search sites that offer free services. “teaser pictures”Download them and organize them into a library. This library had to be kept updated. I had worked with him for three months to address his current problems, which included feeling anxious and depressed about work.-Related matters. While he did inform me about his sexual and other interests in pornography when I asked about his personal life, he strongly denied my attempts to reach him about these topics.

It was draining his energy, and he desperately wanted something to fix it. As I listened, I realized that I was still feeling the guilt of my Catholic youth. I suggested to Fred to Fr. McCarthy to confess, followed by many cold showers over the next few years. This also struck me. “suggestion” This made me feel offended.-It was too rigid and center, so I let it pass. (A major benefit to both meditation and hypnosis) is It teaches that you can be a “just let it happen” attitude toward your mind, so you can compassionately observe each thought or feeling without identification, and then decide how you’d like to proceed.). I developed a receptive attitude that allowed me to feel connected, open, and curious about the positive gift Fred was giving me. I was able to see Fred as a beautiful man after a while, something that I had previously overlooked. I was able to talk with Fred about his sexual energy. is Perhaps the most powerful and unstoppable energy in the universe. I suggested that finding one’s deep sexual identity is It is a challenge that will last a lifetime and requires everything you have. Fred was a great man. His sexual presence is intense and deep.

The Relational “field” seemed filled with a deep connection, probably the most connected I’ve felt with Fred. He was open to receiving my compliments and seemed to be touched. In response, he developed a light hypnotic state. We talked about his sexuality and how it was calling him to deeper awareness. He said he was afraid, but he agreed. I was able to acknowledge that he was scared and made sure to take note. “Yes, Fred, as a sexual being you are scared. “Pausing to let this stand on its own, I then asked, “As a sexual being, who else are you? “He laughed a bit nervously before saying, “I’m also very horny!” Before I started to feed, I took a moment to feel this part of his sexuality. “Yes, Fred, as a sexual being you are also horny!” I suggested that he continue his answers to the questions. “Who am I as a sexual being?” question. Fred took some coaching to get comfortable speaking, feeling, holding, and making visible his one sexual identity. He might, for example, say: “As a sexual being, I am really ashamed”Be encouraged to let go, to feel that identity in his mind, as I fed it back, acknowledging the importance of that truth. The Next one might be. “As a sexual being, I really get turned on by looking at beautiful naked female bodies”. I would observe it and connect nonverbally with it. After about ten seconds of silence, I would ask him. “Who else are you as a sexual being?” This continued for about eight identities, including “I am….afraid, really turned on, interested in touch, numb, obsessed, paranoid, and intense. Each identity was felt and made visible.

Somewhere during the process, Fred looked so beautiful, the way people look in therapy when they’re no longer dissociating. It was as if he had somehow found a way for him to reveal his deepest sexual truths. We talked about the many emotional truths that were enfolded in sexual identity. I suggested that we really could distinguish a “pervert” A vital, healthy sexual being had the ability to sense and feel the relationships between diverse identities. “unitary field” Each identity could be held in one person. Although many identities can be contradictory or all have their place in the self, they can all have their place. We discussed technical options (extensions to the exercise) that he could use for this sponsorship of sexuality.

Fred was shocked to discover that his obsession with Internet pornography was virtually absent two weeks later. He also began to think about his wife and their relationship. Additional sessions were focused on couples work, particularly in relation to intimacy and sexuality.

II. Here are some ideas on sponsorship

This example is just one of many examples of therapeutic sponsorship. Three basic ideas might be noted here.

(1) There are two types of experience: “fressen”The nature and the “essen” Culture. Two German words can be used to describe eating: fressen (or essen). Fressen can be translated as “eat like an animal” or “essen”. is Eat like a human being. Anyone who has had a child will tell you that the journey from fressen to essence is not easy. is This is a lengthy process. Sponsorship is a huge help in helping a child eat like a human being.

This distinction can be applied to all human activities and we will see that every aspect of being a person is ours. “not ready for prime time”fressen energies. It is The “re-spons-ability”to support a person’s social development.-These energies can be transformed using cognitive relational skills “essen forms” They are valuable to the individual and the community. The toddler’s fierceness can manifest as tantrums and temper tantrums. If properly sponsored, it can develop into the admirable fierceness in the adult. Negative sponsorship can lead to the same tantrums as violence, passive aggressiveness, rage, and other social forms that appear to have no or little value.

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I spoke at length about in “The courage to love” What are some examples of sponsorship practices?

Centering/Opening Attention
deep listening/proper naming
Touching/being touched
challenging/accepting
Connecting with traditions and resources
developing multiple frames/practicing behavioral skills
You can cultivate fierceness, tenderness and playfulness.

These practices, some of which are elaborated below, are the ways and the social/cognitive/experiential means by which a “fressen energy” is You are awakened to consciousness and trained into the human value. “essen form”.

(2) The emergence of a generative Self occurs when essen and friessen merge. The experience of a self can be seen in this perspective. is Every moment the “essen mind” – the cognitive self that performs meaning and value—integrates with the “fressen mind” – the somatic self organized within the archetypal, experiential language of the body. The A generative Self is It is neither a given nor a condition. is It is always there: is A dynamic realization that awakens when the cognitive and somatic selves cooperate. Artists are an excellent example of this creative/created person. Most artists – writers, painters, poets, dancers – emphasize that their creative energies come from some place other than their cognitive (conscious) self. The Artist’s task is Find ways to get those energies, and build a relationship with them. This is how to build a relationship. is neither one of domination nor submission—the artist neither totally “controls” The creative energy has not been exhausted “sponsor” These energies are to the mid-They will love you for it.

Every person is the same. is She is a performer. She is She is often visited by chaotic, creative life energies that call her to do something. These energies can be useful in the social world if she can learn sponsorship skills. If not, they may become persistent, troubling feelings or behaviors—anxiety, depression, agitation, etc.

(3) Symptoms and other acts violence can arise when essen ignores, curses/exploits fressen energies. We can begin to see that while life flows through you, giving you everything you’ll need to become a person, your presence is You are vitally needed. If you do not “sponsor” The “fressen” They will often persist with the same intensity as before, so it is best to give them gifts that are immediate. They will assume negative forms if they are cursed. They will become distorted if you exploit them. They can become a greater presence than your social/cognitive self at some point, or a repetition of an experience or behavior that is beyond your control. The It will get more stubborn the harder you try to remove it. This is what it looks like is A clinical symptom is one that can be described as disturbing fressen energy. This energy has not been yet therapeutically sponsored to a beneficial essen form.

Therapists look for unsponsored fressen energies. We are interested in the disturbing behaviors and experiences that people have, and we welcome these as the basis of creative new ideas. These experiences and behaviors can be difficult to overcome or resist. “problems” They are often not only futile, but can also have the effect of supporting them. The attempted solution, as Fisch, Weakland and Watzlawick (1974) stressed, is futile. is The problem. One example is a person who obsessively tried to get rid of nagging doubts. “positive thinking” Self became more agitated and self-Ineffective and absorbed Self-Relationships imply that the contrary is true is Equally true is the problem is The solution. That’s it. isIt is possible to avoid what appears to be a terrible experience at first glance. is This is a sponsorship program that provides the right conditions and supports the individual’s growth and development. The client may be provided with “nagging doubts” While in a relaxed state, he was invited to greet them. He noticed a tender presence in his heart that he had not previously acknowledged. This tender presence helped him to become more calm and centered. “negative” nor “positive”.

The The presence “proper conditions and effective sponsorship” is This is the key. More information is available here. “ineffective suffering” (Merton 1964) and other disturbing events. Our major challenge in psychotherapy is this: is To define and create effective ways and means for transformational sponsorship. I would like to spend the remainder of this paper talking about a few of these possibilities.

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